A chair has 4 legs
Fighting or disagreeing is a normal part of a relationship because every couple cannot have the same views and beliefs on every topic. When couples come into my office, they often share that their fighting involves name-calling, hurtful exchanges, and disrespect. While content is always the focus people want to talk about, it is essential to take many steps further back. Why was there so much deregulation? What derails the couple into these hurtful exchanges?
The key is to fight fairly. Fair fighting sounds paradoxical; however, it is the key to disagreeing with respect while maintaining self-regulation. For this to happen, we need to understand how to emotionally self-regulate to have a constructive conversation.
Many people don’t think about their self-care and how improper care can lead to instability in their mood or emotional well-being. Like when flight attendants tell us, place your oxygen mask on before your child’s; we need to do the same with self-care to assist with our emotional regulation. If we consider that a chair has four legs for stability, we as humans need four pillars too: sleep, food/water, companionship, and play/decompression. Often if you ask more about a person’s day or the week leading up to the fight, you will hear how they skipped a meal, stayed up too late, or felt they had little downtime for activities they enjoyed. While our American culture is not designed to encourage self-care, I will encourage you to set better boundaries for yourself to offer the version or you, the opportunity to self-regulate better and have meaningful tough conversations with your partner.
Melissa’s Monthly Tip
1. Getting plenty of sleep is essential. Don’t cheat your body of rest
2. Make sure you don’t skip meals and you drink plenty of water
3. Have some recreation or fun every day
4. Don’t isolate- see or talk to friends daily
5. When dysregulated, don’t engage in serious conversations without caring for yourself first. Perhaps say, can we talk later after I’m in a better space to talk?
